Still Allowing the Wrong People to Influence Your Decisions?

Imagine you are seriously considering a major life change, but your closest loved one is opposing this change, and now there is plenty of mental trash such as ambivalence, confusion, hesitation, and self-blame going on in your head, possibly taking its toll on your relationship. Or, picture a close friend or relative advising you against the change, even though the opportunity it may bring has been inspiring and driving you for quite some time.   

There is this fascinating element in relationships — a not-so-subtle nuance — that can never be discussed enough. It’s one thing when a close person, friend, loved one, family member, or intimate partner is openly against your decision and expressing their opposition or actively sabotaging your efforts. In such relationships, things are usually clear-cut (although, many people prefer to remain in denial for years), and all you need to do is take responsible action once you’ve determined who stands where on this life change that you deem crucial to your long-term well-being. People who choose to remain in unsupportive relationships, treating these arrangements like habits rather than emotional investments, have always made me wonder, why this agreement to unnecessarily punish themselves, as if life doesn’t already provide an abundance of uninvited problems as it is?

But, I find another end of the relationship spectrum no less emotionally demanding in terms of standing your ground without dwelling on guilt, proceeding with your change, and leaving the other person’s opinions behind. I am referring to the many cases when a genuinely well-intentioned friend or loved one, perhaps educated in many other ways, is advising you against something that they’ve never done and, for all practical purposes, have no clue about. It’s all very well intentioned; however, it’s ignorant advice if they haven’t done what you are considering doing to improve your life. I can give you a handful of examples from my personal experience.

The first instance coming to mind is my decision to start learning karate at age thirty. It had been a dream of mine since the third grade. I have described this in the first chapter of my book because that was an important part of my growing up as a not-so-confident child. My parents were just as opposed to the idea of karate when I was thirty as they were when I was nine years old. I told them point-blank, “Guys, I am starting karate. You are now across the ocean, so there isn’t much you can do about it.” Of course, they still expressed their doubt that it was a good idea and their fear that I could get injured and become unable to play the violin and earn a living. Too many risks, on and on, and I said, “No, no, I am thirty now. I am the one making this decision and I am not putting it off any longer!”

Next thing we know, I did martial arts for twelve years, earned a black belt in Shorin Goju-Ryu Karate and a blue belt in Aikido — one of the best decisions I ever made. It tremendously boosted my self-confidence and helped me get a real understanding of the word “perseverance.” Again, this was one of the best decisions in my life, yet two super-well-intentioned people were and remained against it for a time longer than just the duration of that long-distance phone conversation.

The next example is of a more radical decision related to a situation that I had to finally confront after years of denial. It was about recognizing my dwindling future as a musician and accepting the necessity for a career change. In 2008, I voiced my intent to put myself through nursing school after being a violinist for twenty-six years. My parents were opposed again. Not only were they opposed; they were terrified. This time, not because of any perceived immediate dangers (although, experienced nurses can tell you a thing or two about violence and abuse on the job, both verbal and physical) but because, knowing that nursing is one of the hardest professions, they didn’t want me to clash with human suffering on such a realistic level as taking care of sick and dying people. “Why don’t you instead focus on playing contemporary music in non-standard ensembles for 20th-century music?” my mother suggested over the phone. I responded, “The classical music market is shrinking like crazy in America, orchestras are bankrupting all over the place, and you are telling me to go into a niche that’s even more elitist and less attended by audiences, making it much more competitive due to the relatively low demand? You’re kidding, right?”

Well, no, my mother was not kidding. She and my father rarely thought from a practical perspective about anything that was real-time, real-world market related. Not only was hearing their daughter talk practicality almost an insult to them, but also, and worst of all, their anxiety went through the roof once they realized how many unfamiliar prerequisite math and science classes I had to take in a short time period before I could even apply for a nursing program. They knew I only had a good grasp of the musical jargon in English but no scientific vocabulary whatsoever, and they felt immensely guilty for having guided me into becoming a musician from an early age in the first place. It took me many months to persuade them that it wasn’t their fault, and that I was simply an adult making responsible decisions for myself.

My parents eventually supported the decision of their suddenly grown-up child to go into nursing, hoping she would stay strong enough not to experience a nervous breakdown while being under pressure to study, work three part-time jobs, meet deadlines, and pass exams. My ongoing pursuit of karate was still a sticky subject, and they did try to tactfully convince me to drop it while in nursing school, hoping I wouldn’t go back to it afterwards, but that didn’t work, either. I did not drop it, nor did I stop pursuing it once I entered the workforce as a nurse.

So, that was the second, strongly opposed by loved ones, excellent decision I acted upon, having recognized the unsustainability of my being in a profession where I wasn’t competitive enough and going into an occupation in high demand that would provide me with a job anywhere in the world.

Yet another decision that raised eyebrows, this time not so much my parents’ because they were completely clueless about any form of money making beyond a job, be it through commodities, real estate, business, or paper assets, was my commitment to educate myself financially and become an investor. My first purchase of silver coins was the direct result from reading an excellent book on precious metals and other commodities. After several more purchases, I started contemplating investing in real estate. We’re talking the years 2012 to 2014. I called a friend of mine in Syracuse, NY, who was twenty years older than me — an educated, smart woman, extremely caring, maternal, super-duper friend. I said, “Hey, I purchased such and such ounces of silver, and there’s a safe storage where it’s kept,” and she freaked out like you wouldn’t believe. “Honey! These people will take your hard-earned money! Absolutely don’t do this! It is so risky! Don’t invest! You need to save your hard-earned money into a savings account! Keep it safe and don’t touch it! Don’t do anything with it!” And she just went on a tangent, while I was thinking, “I just called her to share this intent of mine, not ask for advice...” Yet, of course, she felt compelled to give me all sorts of advice. Now, mind you, this person had not and still hasn’t built any scalable business of her own. She had never invested. She had worked for a real estate lawyer and, at some point, in healthcare, and then took a whole bunch of college classes. Again, she was a very well-educated person, but not inclined towards the risk-taking of entrepreneurship.

So, all this ‘advice’ came from her, and that’s when I understood that somebody could be genuinely extremely well intentioned and not give you the right advice. Not because they wouldn’t like to give it; in fact, they fully believe they’re giving you the right advice, yet they are not, because they really don’t know what they’re talking about. And, once I found out that she (as well as several other friends, mind you,) knew about investing and building scalable businesses just as little as I did at the time, I chose to keep my curiosity, keep learning, and continue respecting my friends and loved ones for who they were, just not take financial advice from them.

There is nothing wrong with sharing information on what you’re doing when friends or loved ones ask you every now and then. They may comment on occasion. If their comments reflect reservations based on ignorance, though, don’t take these as advice. Do not get discouraged! Keep learning because, remember, if you were hanging around these people when you didn’t know jack about investing, chances are they didn’t know jack about investing, either, because you had different common ground that brought you together as friends or loved ones. Don’t confuse their opinion with expert analysis and don’t use it as an excuse not to continue learning — it’s not worth it. Please, continue learning. Take your risk, fail, and get up after you fail!

The other time I got a generous piece of friendly advice was, of course, when I went into real estate. I was told it’s an enormous amount of work and tenants can drive you crazy — all the wonderful stuff. And it happened, indeed. But I was happy that it happened, because it only made me a stronger person. For one thing, I developed property maintenance skills that I never had before. I learned to paint walls, ceilings, and trim in 2016, because my boyfriend taught me how to do it. Up to that point, I could’ve never imagined myself painting anything, let alone entire housing interiors. I bet many teenage girls who’ve already done painting projects just for fun would be laughing at me if they read this, but again, all I had known up to 2016 was music, martial arts, and nursing. When I jumped into real estate investing in 2014, I was hiring a handyman to do everything at first but eventually realized that if I learned how to paint an apartment or a house from top to bottom as needed, I would save myself a ton of money!

You develop these handy, easily learnable skills... Hey, I am not changing water heaters! That task I always entrust to a licensed plumber, of course. But there are things that you learn along the way with your business, such as how to deal with the tenants if you are a real estate investor. You can choose to hire a management company or not to hire a management company. The point is, when they tell you it’s a lot of work, well, no shit it’s a lot of work! That’s why you’re doing it — you want to be an entrepreneur, you want to learn to handle risks, you want to learn to fail and get up afterwards, learn from your failures and grow personally and professionally. This is the total opposite of the academic way of thinking, which condemns making mistakes and failing.

Now, unless you are a surgeon performing lifesaving heart surgeries, or any other type of surgeon, or a pilot flying 400 people across the ocean, you can afford to make mistakes, especially if you are the one subsidizing your own business and starting small. That has always been the case with me. I’ve never asked a friend or a relative for money for my businesses. I took my own risks, leveraged my credit and borrowing power responsibly, did my bookkeeping, honed my financial planning skills — you get the idea.

Let me tell you, it was fun at first, because I could hardly budget enough for the expenses and, eventually, I learned how to do all this stuff. But yes, you have to be willing to take the risk, and you have to be willing to work a lot! It’s okay that it’s hard work! It’s a great experience!

In conclusion, please, don’t let well-intentioned advice from people who have no clue what they’re talking about dissuade you from your endeavors, only because they think the risks are too big! Before you jump into the risky adventure, however, educate yourself. Get a mentor. Shadow somebody who’s been successful for decades in the area where you want to succeed. That’s the person to learn from; not the people who tell you it’s risky. Don’t waste your time and, again, respect your friends and loved ones but, for your own sake, just set some limits!